We are nearing our trip and this morning I had a bit of a panic attack. I woke up around 5am and felt very anxious and nervous for next to no real reason. So for about an hour I was up alone trying to take my mind off of it all, all while still trying to figure out what would make me feel a bit better.
I was on medication during part of my high school career for anxiety and visited a great psychiatrist at least once a week. Of course being in high school and having any thing out of the ordinary is something you kind of try to hide, for fear of joke being made at your expense, and people looking at you differently. I was no exception! Most people didn’t know about it at all and I didn’t really ever tell any one. It wasn’t until I personally stopped taking my medicine and decided to use the techniques I had learned with the psychiatrist that I started not caring who found out. Of course, I was nearing a college age and could re-invent myself easily.
I have been off medication for over 12 years now and I have managed things pretty ok. I still have bouts like I did this morning that basically cripple me unless I can get out of that funk. I talk myself through things over and over and do the standard deep breathing and that tends to help quite a bit. I also love having a phone now (Which wasn’t a thing in highschool) that I can use to take my mind off of thoughts that keep trying to drag me back in. I tend to feel myself get a bit sweaty in the palms and hot, as well as terrible stomach cramps, that pretty much lock me in a bathroom. So it is pretty not great. It gets so bad sometimes that I get nervous about a place not having a bathroom, that in turn then makes me need one, and that cycle repeats itself until I can snap out of it.
Going on trips like the one we are taking are normally ok. My big fear in life is machines that I am not in control of. This is what trips me up quite a bit, and is the reason I hate planes, riding in cars, and elevators. It has evolved since I have gotten older to a control issue in general. I used to be able to just bug out somewhere with no plan and be 100% ok with dealing with what comes at me. Not so much anymore. It may have something to do with having a wife and a kid now too. I feel as if maybe I would be ok alone, but now I have other lives with me. Everything for me is now mostly planned out. This trip has been a bit of an exception.
I ended up having to book a hotel, because last minute my wife’s Uncle got some weird stand off-ish cold feet vibes. He has since offered to let us stay again…but with us leaving in two days we already had a hotel. We will have to stop once on the way there and on the way back, and up until today I didn’t know where we would try to stay. I have since made a reservation haha. this all just stems from my breakdown this morning. I have the route printed out, even though we have it on our phones. All just little things to bring some more control to the trip. There will be plenty of unknowns when it comes to driving 1500 miles with a one year old baby haha.
As of right now, my lunch break, I’m feeling much better. I will have a great time and so with my little family. I know once we get on the road and feel like we have everything ready to go that it won’t be a problem at all. It is just the build up to the whole things that gets me. I let the stress of that, getting paid part way through the week, and having bills due while on vacation get to me a little bit too much. I’ll be bringing my laptop with me to cover all of those things anyway so it shouldn’t bother me too much.
I will ride out the little bit of this week that is left and be on the road in no time! That being said I will be off from the blog this whole next week, but may still have some pictures up on my Instagram, so feel free to check in on that if you would like to. I should be back again Monday the 4th, unless we get home crazy late.
That is it for me today! I will be back for a quick ‘Coffee Talk’ tomorrow morning and that will be that! I hope to see you then. 😀 😀